How to Allow the World to Teach your Kid Respect
Dear Kid Whisperer,
How do you teach a kid respect? Not just for people, but for things, as well. For example, how to be responsible in caring for jackets or lunch containers, and how to respect belongings (not cutting clothes or leaving things at school). And what about respect for other people, like listening while others talk and not rolling your eyes?
…asking for a friend, right?
But seriously, thank you for having the bravery to ask the million-dollar question.
What you are asking is, “My kid’s a jerk. How do I get him to stop being a jerk?”
If anyone out there doesn’t think that kids being jerks is an unprecedented epidemic, I’d invite you to go and walk around any public space for 15 minutes.
Here’s the good news for you and all the millions of parents who have this question but dare not ask it:
The world trains people to not be jerks.
Think about it. You live in the world: What if you constantly cut up your own clothing with scissors? What if you thoughtlessly lost possessions over and over? What if you never acted like you were listening to peers and elders, and you rolled your eyes every time anyone spoke to you or around you?
If you acted like this, the world would beat you down constantly. You would have no possessions, no friends, and no job, because no one wants to be around a mean, miserable person.
I think we can agree that you don’t want this for your kid, and that you want him to learn not to act like this before he is released into the world.
Speaking broadly, there are two things you need to do:
Allow the world to happen to your kid now, and allow the world to make him suffer.
Teach how the world really works with actions and not words.
Dear reader, if you are thinking, “My goodness, how could you allow your child to suffer! I’m a good person and you are a bad person!” Here’s my response:
Grow up. Human beings are going to suffer, and the cost of the suffering today is as low as it ever will be again. The question every parent must answer is whether they will allow their kids to suffer a little now or a lot later. The good and kind parent chooses the former.
Here’s how I do #1: allow the world to happen to my kid, and allow my kid to suffer:
Kid: I cut up my brand-new shirts and I left my lunchbox and jacket at the park and they’re gone by now and you need to buy me these things immediately and they need to be brand names because I wish not to be scorned by my peers and do this now I’ll be playing video games.
Kid Whisperer: Oh geez. I buy school clothes and lunch boxes once per year.
Kid: What!?! Are you serious?
Kid Whisperer: And what did I say?
Kid: What am I supposed to wear and how am I supposed to transport my lunch?
Kid Whisperer: I don’t know.
Done and done.
Here’s how I do #2: teaching how the world really works with actions at a family gathering:
Aunt: ..And that’s how I cured all pediatric cancer and met the Pope on the same day.
Kid: (moaning and rolling of eyes): Whatever.
Kid Whisperer: Oh, Geez. Kid, get your…oh right. You’ve lost all of your possessions. Get yourself into the car. We’re leaving.
After cheerfully explaining to the family on my way out the door that Kid will probably be taller the next time he is seen by others, I drive Kid home. I explain in the next day or so that he is not ready for public, and that he will need to learn how to be in public without being a jerk. This learning will be done with minimal words, but I will notice him and identify when he is being pleasant, he will be spoken to only while he is being pleasant, and he will be ignored while he is being unpleasant.
Your Kid’s suffering is a guarantee. When, how much, and the amount of damage the suffering does to your Kid will depend on your actions as a parent.