How to Get Your Kid to be Nice Even When She’s Disappointed

Dear Kid Whisperer,

My daughter is 12. She has always been a whiner. More accurately, she used to whine, and now she yells. Her mother and I have become very good at shielding her from seeing stuff she wants so that we can avoid these situations. We try to avoid taking her to stores (including the grocery store) where she might want things, for example. As she gets older, it seems harder to keep her from seeing things she wants. Do you have any tips for this?

No.

Why on earth would you want to stop your daughter from seeing things that she would like to own?

It appears that your answer is that you don’t want her to become angry or upset.

If so, why on earth would you not want her to be angry or upset?

If your daughter became my daughter, she would be angry and upset pretty much constantly for a while, and that would be awesome.

Here are some clarifications that may serve as paradigm shifts that you need to make.

First, there’s nothing wrong with your daughter wanting things.

Next, there’s nothing wrong with your daughter being frustrated by not getting the things that she wants. Human beings are designed to want things and to become frustrated when they don’t get the things that they want. That way, the frustration can lead to them figuring out how to get what they want. It is the job of the parent to only allow kids to get what they want by using pro-social means (means that do not cause problems). One way of kids getting what they want through pro-social means is to be provided with a weekly allowance, and for them to later be able to get jobs so they can buy the things that they want. Another pro-social way to get what you want is to ask nicely.

Kids do things that work, so I think it’s likely that you have been giving your kid things after she has exhibited this appalling, anti-social behavior, or you have let her control your emotions or given her a lot of attention for this behavior, or given her some combination of these three things.

Your daughter needs to start getting as much practice as possible at not getting what she wants as soon as possible. Here’s how I would help her with that in a store:

Kid: I want this.

Kid Whisperer: No.

That’s it.

I hope she yells and screams and bemoans her very existence. She will at first, because acting like a jerk has gotten her what she wants, because you and your wife don’t know what you’re doing. Your Kid will heighten and explore all of the obnoxious means at her disposal to try to get what she wants (the physical thing, attention, and/or a feeling of control over your emotions) because you’ve let that work for her in the past. I will give her none of that. Here’s how I give her none of that:

Kid: I HATE YOU AND YOU NEVER GET ME ANYTHING AND MY FRIENDS’ PARENTS ARE GOOD AND YOU ARE BAD, ETCETERA.

Kid Whisperer: Yikes. I don’t argue.

Kid: HOW DARE YOU NOT VALIDATE EVERY FEELING THE MOMENT I HAVE IT? I AM TURNING YOU INTO THE PARENTING POLICE!!!!!!!

Kid Whisperer: And what did I say?

The only thing I say after that is (calmly and with a smile) is “And what did I say?”

As I give her none of that every single time she tries this nonsense, she will slowly figure out that acting like a jerk in many different and creative ways doesn’t get her what she wants. As a result, she will eventually start using positive, pro-social means of getting what she wants, and she will start to become a person people (even her parents) want to be around, no matter where she is.