How to Have a Pleasant Visit With Your Kids at a Relative’s Home

Dear Kid Whisperer,

Why do my 4- and 6-year-old insist on being on their absolute worst behavior when we go to visit family? We live several hours away from most of our family members, so we don't have time to visit very often. I want to be able to enjoy the time with my relatives—but my kids make it impossible as they are just all over the place and don't listen to a word I say. I can't just take them home and try again the next day. What do I do?

Your kids are doing this because they’re little velociraptors who are super smart and know that you are in a tactically weak position, while miles away from your home at a place that they know you really want to be.

Your kids need to be retrained in a lower-stakes environment before going back to far away family visits. Here’s how I would facilitate this.

Kid Whisperer: Yeesh. You guys showed me during our last trip to Grandma’s house that you just aren’t ready to go to visit family. You’re going to be practicing not causing problems until you become experts at being in public. We’re going to do some training here in the privacy of our home.

Kid: How long will that take?

Kid Whisperer: That all depends on you. Isn’t life exciting?!

Kid Whisperer: Feel free to stay with our family as long as you can become experts at not causing problems.

As Kid #1 and Kid #2 go about their day, Kid Whisperer reinforces the behaviors he would like to see, especially at relatives’ houses, when he sees them.

Kid Whisperer: I noticed that you are being kind.

Kid Whisperer: I noticed that you are treating each other well.

Kid Whisperer: I noticed you being calm and polite.

Kid #2 suddenly screams at his brother.

Kid Whisperer: Yeesh.

Kid Whisperer picks up Kid #2 and carries him to a safe, tantrum-proof room, without saying anything besides the word “yeesh.”

Kid Whisperer: When can you stay with the family? Come back when you can follow our rules. Our family is best when you’re around!

If Kid comes back unpleasant, Kid Whisperer carries him back to the other room. This may need to be repeated several times.

Kid Whisperer: Yeesh.

Later, perhaps after many trips to the other room, Kids #1 and 2 finally use behaviors that show that they know how to be in a house correctly.

Kid Whisperer: You guys have shown me with your great choices that you are ready for the next level of Being a Person in the World Practice! To the park we go!

[At the park]

Kid Whisperer: Feel free to stay at the park as long as you can follow our rules!

The park practice works the same way as house practice, except that at the very first sign of an antisocial behavior that would be reason for embarrassment at the relatives’ house, Kids are immediately picked up and carried to the car, put in the car or booster seat, and taken home, with Kid Whisperer repeating only one word.

Kid Whisperer: Yeesh.

Once they master the park, they are ready to go to a family member’s home.

Kid Whisperer lets Grandma know that he’s planning a visit. He lets her know the plan but makes her promise to not try to “help,” knowing that she will only mess it up with reminders, warnings, etc. He lets her know that he and his family may be leaving early. When he arrives, he and his family do not unpack their things.

Kid Whisperer uses the same words to set limits, and the same noticing to reinforce good guest behavior.

Kid #1 uses an antisocial behavior.

Kid Whisperer: Yeesh.

Kid Whisperer removes Kid the same way he did at the park. The rest of the extended family brings all of the Kid Whisperer Family’s possessions to the car as they sadly wave goodbye. Kid Whisperer Family drives home without lectures or anger.

Of course, if Kids rise to the level of their training, everyone just enjoys the entirety of the visit to Grandma’s!

While inconvenient, if antisocial behaviors do happen and the family has to go home early, that experience is likely to cause a permanent behavior change that will greatly improve Kid #1 and #2’s future lives and make it very likely that they’ll be able to participate in the entirety of the next family vacation.