How to Maintain a Functional Home When Neighbor Kids Invade
Dear Kid Whisperer,
I live in a neighborhood with a lot of families, and we often end up with other people's children playing at our house. Having these playmates is great for my eight-year-old daughter, but not so great for me, because I end up parenting everybody else's kids. Is it appropriate for me to use the same behavior strategies on other people's kids that I use on my own kid? How can I keep a calm house during these playdates without offending their parents?
You probably can’t.
You probably can’t because we live in a world whereby if you have kids from five households, at least one of those households is “led” by a parent or set of parents who are in the grips of the Collective Parental Psychosis that is destroying the lives of tens of millions of families. Because of the way they are being raised, one of these kids will undoubtedly believe some combination of the following:
Kids should never be told “no.”
Kids should be treated as visiting dignitaries in all places at all times.
Kids are profoundly sensitive and it is the job of adults to not upset them.
Adults who make kids upset have a lot of explaining to do.
Further complicating whether you will offend parents is the fact that adults in our culture right now love to be offended. Being offended allows you to create a narrative in which you are the victim, and once you are the victim, you also must be treated like a profoundly sensitive visiting dignitary who can’t be told “no,” and anyone who makes you upset will have a lot of explaining to do.
Sound familiar?
You will be able to identify the kids who are being raised in these households by the fact that they are usually poorly behaved.
To be clear, you have no responsibility to have any kid in your home, let alone a kid who is going to make your life worse. Your responsibility is to create a positive, pro-social home whereby limits are given and enforced with calm, loving empathy. It is not your job to manage the behavior of kids who have been trained by their parents to be awful.
Here’s what I would do if I were you, and it may be uncomfortable, because the above destructive dynamic is so prevalent in our culture.
First, on a phone call with a parent or as the kid is being dropped off:
Kid Whisperer: I am glad Kid will be with us for the get-together today. I’m a different kind of parent, and while I’m assuming we won’t have any problems, I only allow kids to stay at my house as long as they’re not causing problems. I’ll need your phone number on the off chance that there is a problem. I won’t call you to have you talk to Kid about his behavior-- I’ll just call you to pick him up. I appreciate your understanding!
You may only want to have this probably uncomfortable interaction with kids’ parents who have caused problems in the past or for parents of kids you think may cause problems.
After this limit is set with parents, here’s how I would set the limits with kids in my home:
Kid Whisperer: Feel free to stay in our home as long as you’re not causing a problem.
And here’s how I would enforce the limit if a kid starts causing a problem:
Kid Whisperer (while taking out my phone and dialing): Oh dear, Kid. When can you stay in our home? I’m calling your mom to come pick you up. Maybe you can try being in our home some other time.
While setting the limit with parents is likely to improve the behavior of kids in your home because the parents will likely tell their kids that you seem to mean business, that’s not the point. The point is only to maintain a positive, pro-social home, even though a world suffering from the Collective Parental Psychosis still exists outside of the walls of your house.