How to Make Sure You are Not Raising a Manipulative Jerk

Dear Kid Whisperer,

My nine-year-old wants a dog. She started making simple requests for a dog. That led to loud requests, then screaming, and now she throws huge tantrums. As a single parent, I don’t want to get a dog for many reasons (cost, inconvenience, etc.) Even as I write this, I feel so guilty, especially since we recently had a cat die. My daughter brings this up as well, saying how sad she is that our cat died, and that she wants “something to love.” Maybe I should just get the dog. Advice?

Get your daughter a dog immediately if you want to turn her into an emotionally manipulative jerk.

By “her” I mean your daughter, not the dog. I have no way of determining the behavior of the dog.

First, you are the leader of your family, and you make the decisions. If you don’t want a dog, you shouldn’t get a dog. You indicated that there is too much of a financial cost and that it’s inconvenient. Yup, that’s good enough for me. You get to decide what’s best for your family because you are in charge. You are, in fact, the most important member of your family because you are in charge of your family.

But…some might say, your daughter DOES need something to love!

Oh, brother. That’s adorable. What a bunch of nonsense.

What your daughter needs is to learn that YOU DON’T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT.

Do you remember that? Do you remember that old-fashioned idea that kids need to learn that you don’t always get what you want? Do you remember when pretty much all parents taught that important life lesson to kids? Here’s how I would bring this old-fashioned lesson back:

Kid: I am experiencing the throes of significant ennui. Death, thou cometh to my cat! How shall I deal with my sorrow? With a brand-new labradoodle! A delivery date of tomorrow would work great for me, thanks.

Kid Whisperer: Oh, boy. I’m sorry you are sad, but a dog doesn’t fit into our family plans right now.

Kid: YOU KNOW WHAT? I’VE HAD JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF YOU!!!! HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME SAD!!!! I HATE YOU!!! YOU ARE DESECRATING THE MEMORY OF MR. MEOWGI!!

Kid Whisperer: And what did I say?

Kid: THIS IS A HOUSE OF LIES! I WISH I HAD A NICE PARENT WHO DIDN’T HATE DOGS!!

Kid Whisperer: Yikes. This is a tough one. I’m going to help you to do some learning later.

Kid Whisperer walks to his bedroom, closes the door, watches TV, and drinks the beer he hid in there just in case this very thing happened.

Later, Kid will come up with more pleasant ways to request the purchase of a dog. It will be explained that when and if family circumstances change, she will be invited to pick one of the several ways of asking for a dog, and that the request will be granted. Until this list is completed, her life outside of school stops.

Does Kid want a dog? Obviously. Does Kid need a dog? Obviously not.

What Kid does need is to learn the way life works, so Kid will be more prepared for life, so Kid has a better chance for happiness and success. As the Rolling Stones said, and you can sing it with me:

You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometime, you just might find, you get what you need.