How to Reteach Kids About Their Place in the World

Dear Kid Whisperer,

I am at a loss. I have a 10-year-old son who simply refuses to do what I tell him. I tell him to take out the trash, he refuses. I tell him to sit down for dinner, he refuses. I tell him to wear different clothes, he refuses. I feel like I need to do something, but I don’t know what it is.

You have a big problem.

Every family needs to be a functional hierarchy with the parent or parents at the top of that hierarchy. Yes, kids should have choices, but those choices must be within limits set by parents. Parents are in charge. Kids are not.

Kids who never learn to be a part of a functional hierarchy tend to have terrible problems participating in other hierarchies: schools, places of business, houses of worship, other families’ homes, etc. Not recognizing and cooperating with those above them in a hierarchy will cause tremendous suffering over time for these people.

If you are offended by the word “hierarchy” and you think a family needs to be a communal growth experience whereby the choices for the family are voted upon by members of the commune so that the toddler can have a say in how dad invests his 401K, you can stop reading, this isn’t for you, good luck, and may our children never meet.

If you are interested in getting back to the functional foundations of how families have worked throughout all of human history up until about sixty years ago, the following will be helpful.

When we tell our kids that we are in charge, but take no action to demonstrate that we are in charge, we are giving our kids the message that we are not in charge.

Here’s how I would demonstrate, with my actions, that I am in charge.

Kid Whisperer: Time for dinner!

Kid: Absolutely not! I am playing video games, which is my passion! How dare you come between me and my passions! You are so basic.

Kid Whisperer removes the power cord from the console that formerly had video games on it and locks it away.

Kid: HOW DARE YOU!!!! YOU ARE IN BREECH OF MY RIGHTS!!!! YOU ARE THE WORST!!!!

Kid Whisperer (calmly, oh so calmly): And what did I say about dinner?

Kid: I’m not eating anything prepared by anyone who does not share my passion for video games!

Kid Whisperer: Oh dear. This is tough. I’m going to help you do some learning later.

Kid Whisperer goes to the dinner table and has dinner with the rest of the family. Kid stares wistfully at the dark TV screen.

Kid: I HATE THIS FAMILY!!!!!!!

The next evening…

Kid: Can I go to a sleepover?

Kid Whisperer: Oh, dear. Yikes. Dude. Remember yesterday when you refused to come to dinner? That was rough. I think that the way we have interacted with each other over the years has led you to think that we are equals. I’m so sorry about that. Since it’s my fault, I can’t be mad at you, of course.

Kid: Geez. Can I go to the sleepover or not?!

Kid Whisperer: Oh, dear. I need to teach you how to properly not be the boss: to listen and do what you are told by someone who is the boss. This will teach you listen to bosses like teachers at school, other friends’ parents, or the employees at Walmart. Right now, you don’t know how to not be the boss, so I’m going to teach you. Sorry; I should have been doing this before now. So, until you learn to listen to bosses, you won’t be leaving home, where I will be your boss. I will have to send you to school, since that’s the law. I will see how you do with listening to me and your teachers. As soon as you appear to be an expert at not being the boss and at listening and being cooperative, you can start going out into the world and dealing with the bosses out there.

Kid: How long will that be??

Kid Whisperer: I guess it will depend on how fast you can become an expert at listening and being cooperative. It’s all up to you!

(Make sure you have had the talk about NOT listening to bosses when they give you a creepy feeling, and reporting it to you!)

Reestablishing Kid in his proper place in the world for a 10-year-old (being in charge of very, very little) will help him properly integrate into the world so that he can learn and grow in a healthy and safe way!