Last week’s column was all about how allowing kids to be resentful (the bitter indignation of having been treated unfairly) and entitled (the belief that one is deserving of certain privileges) is the best way to make sure your kid lives a life of misery.
In case you make a terrible weekly life choice and don’t read this column with perfect consistency, here’s a quick review of why the above dynamic is true:
Resentment places the locus of one’s control over one’s (often understandable) anger with the world outside of oneself (It is The World’s fault that I am angry). Entitlement places the locus of control over being satisfied with life on someone else (I will be satisfied with my life when people do as they’re told and make me satisfied with my life).
When kids think that they have no control over their anger and satisfaction (essentially whether they feel like life is good or life is bad), it leads to great despair and misery, because feeling that you cannot control your own life’s feelings and outcomes leads to a feeling of meaninglessness.
After all, why strive to do anything if you have no control over your life?
So, then, what are we to do to make sure kids don’t feel that their life is meaningless?
First, here’s how I would put the locus of control back within a kid who has developed a resentful belief structure.
Kid: The world is crap. Life is so unfair. I don’t have a chance to do anything good in life because of the way the world is!
Kid Whisperer: Yikes. How are you going to take control of your life and improve it?
Kid: I can’t! The world is too UNFAIR!
Kid Whisperer: Yikes. I have had some great successes taking control of my own life and working through the angry feelings that you’re feeling, even in this world that can be difficult and unfair. Striving to be the change I wish to see in the world has been a big part of it. Let me know if you want any ideas on how to do this. Life can be pretty wonderful if you work at it.
Here’s how I would put the locus of control back within a kid who has developed an entitled belief structure:
Kid: I want a pony and elite-level drone, so give me a ride to the drone/pony store right now.
Kid Whisperer: Oh, dear. No. You may have the things that you want that you can pay for with your allowance, and once you are old enough, with the money you make from your job. I will continue to pay to keep you alive with food and shelter until you graduate from high school, but otherwise just know that I love you and wish you a great life filled with tremendous prosperity.
Kid: BUT I DESERVE CERTAIN THINGS!
Kid Whisperer: Oh, dear. I don’t know what to tell you.
Note that while also setting a limit on what gifts he provides to minors who live in his house, Kid Whisperer does not try to own or fix Kid’s sense of resentment or entitlement. Kid Whisperer only avoids sitting idly by and tacitly approving of Kid’s life attitudes that will eventually destroy him.
Since it can be tiring and unnecessary to set these limits over and over, after setting the value structure limit a few times, Kid Whisperer can also accomplish the same thing by calmly, empathetically disapproving with the simple use of a Calm Signal:
Kid: The world is terrible and give me a pony.
Kid Whisperer: Yikes.
Kids who live lives of resentment and entitlement don’t see their lives as having any meaning because they don’t see any purpose in striving toward anything. When you stop striving to make progress, life is just a series of arbitrary events that have little or no meaning.
However, when kids realize the fact that they can control whether or not they are angry, and that they have control over their own satisfaction, they see the value in striving, and they tend to do just that. When they feel that their happiness is up to them, they will strive to attain it. And, finally, it is the striving itself, the pursuit of happiness, that can give your kid a feeling of happiness and satisfaction.
What kind of life will your kid have?