Kid Whisperer Nation Tips for Parents #68-72

TIP FOR PARENTS #68 

SOMETIMES THE MOST SUPPORTIVE WAY TO SUPPORT IS TO GIVE ZERO SUPPORT 

You know your kid. You know what they can do. When they say that they can’t do something and you know that they can do it, you shouldn’t help them. Helping in this case communicates a low opinion of their abilities. Simply handing problems back to them in a loving way is the best course of action. It says “I love you, and this is your problem.” Here are some responses to pleas for help when your kid doesn’t really need it: 

“Ooh. I’m going to let you figure this one out.” 

“Ugh. Tough one. You can solve this.” 

“Hmm. Well, you know what to do.” 

Any attempts (probable as they may be) at arguing over the subject at hand should be met with the same question: 

“And what did I say?” 

TIP FOR PARENTS #69 

DON’T GET CAUGHT IN THE COMPASSION TRAP 

This can happen when talking to other adults about parenting. One parent says something that sounds really sensitive and compassionate, but doesn’t make any sense to you. Instead of disagreeing or even asking for clarification, you either agree or remain silent, because you don’t want to appear to be the mean parent. You are thereby ensnared in the “Compassion Trap.”  

The result is that, in order to save face, we don’t learn effective strategies of holding kids accountable or effectively guiding them to positive behaviors. Instead, people often just try to use “Be nice to the kid” as their only behavior management strategy. Then, when kids are not held accountable for negative behaviors, their behaviors get worse and worse. And if you’re like me,  you might snap and act with anger and even rage. 

Not very compassionate. 

TIP FOR PARENTS #70 

THE CUTEST PARENTING ANSWER IS USUALLY THE WRONG ONE 

It’s hard to sift through parenting advice in a world that has so much terrible parenting advice, but here’s a hint: the cutest answer is wrong. It reminds me of when I learned multiple choice test taking strategies as a kid. There was always one ridiculous answer that you knew you could throw out even if you had no idea what the right idea was. 

The cutest answer is pretty much always that one that you just know isn’t right when you are trying to figure out how to stop a negative behavior. 

TIP FOR PARENTS #71 

YOUR KIDS CAUSING A PROBLEM IS A PROBLEM 

If you are wondering whether or not your kid needs to change their behavior, just ask yourself, “Does this behavior cause a problem?” If the answer is “yes,” then yes, the behavior needs to change.*  

*This includes behaviors that merely cause you to resent or be annoyed by your kids. That’s a problem. 

TIP FOR PARENTS #72 

SOME KIDS ARE EASY AND SOME KIDS ARE HARD 

Everyone has some inborn hard wiring. Some of us were born difficult. Some of you were born easy. Some people naturally see the world as a place where everything is cool, and they go with the flow. Some people see a world that is trying to beat them, and they lock in and prepare for battle every morning when they wake up. Of course, everyone is somewhere on this distribution, and traumas make kids more difficult. 

Regardless of a kid’s “difficulty level,” they must be trained to use positive behaviors. For easy kids, this is relatively easy, and for difficult kids, this is difficult. For easy kids, parents can make some pretty big mistakes, and everything will be fine. For difficult kids, parents must be extremely proficient in changing and managing behaviors, or disaster can result.