How to Avoid Power Struggles with Potty-Training

Dear Kid Whisperer,

My 4-year-old is not yet potty-trained, and because of this, I can't send him to preschool. He has no medical or physical issues, and he completely understands how to use the toilet, but he just doesn't WANT to. He's very strong-willed. I’ve tried every kind of convincing, lecture, and pleading I can think of. Obviously, I can't "force" him to go to the bathroom. How do I handle this?

Having worked with more than 100,000 kids during my lifetime, one of the core and essential realities that I have discovered is that kids would very often rather inconvenience and even hurt themselves than lose a power struggle.

Kids are behavioral explorers who, through their travels, may stumble upon winnable power struggle situations whereby they can attain a feeling of control while getting attention, and the braver they are and the more they dig in, the more attention and control they get.

Your Little Explorer has stumbled upon the reality that no one can make him pee in a toilet. He has also figured out that he can get your attention and control your emotions by peeing everywhere else but the toilet.

So, the answer is to stop engaging in a situation that is guaranteed to reinforce his free-wheeling, happy-go lucky, pee everywhere plan, because the more you tell him to do something that you can’t control, the more likely he will be to do that very thing (peeing everywhere).

Kid: Woo-hoo, World! I’ve peed my pants yet again! PEEING YOUR PANTS IS THE COOLEST!

Kid Whisperer: Oh, dear. This reminds me: I’m so sorry that I’ve been getting on your case about peeing your pants. Peeing in the toilet is a big boy thing, and you might not be ready for it. You’ll be ready when you’re ready.

Kid: I LOVE PEEING IN MY PANTS!

Kid Whisperer: Yep. Fair enough. Now is a great opportunity for you to learn about how to do laundry, which is another big boy thing.

[Kid Whisperer gives the minimal amount of instructional laundry support necessary for Kid to be successful washing and drying his pants. Kid Whisperer makes sure the pants are done separate from other laundry items.]

By guiding Kid through this process, Kid Whisperer is giving attention to Kid solving a problem that he caused (which is good) instead of giving Kid attention when he causes a problem (which is bad).

In addition, here’s a conversation that I might have with my spouse within earshot of Kid.

Kid Whisperer: Man, oh man. Peeing in the toilet is the best, and it is certainly only for big boys like me. My pants are dry, and life is good!

Mrs. Kid Whisperer: I’m proud of you!

Kid Whisperer: Why, thank you. I’m proud of me, too!

Kid Whisperer and Mrs. Kid Whisperer jump into the air and high five. Freeze frame. Roll credits.

By removing the power struggle, minimizing attention given to Kid peeing his pants, and giving attention to yourself peeing in the toilet, we can get Kid on the path to potty training and pre-school!