How to Avoid Walking Your Kid on a Leash

Dear Kid Whisperer,

What are your thoughts on the "kid leashes" (the small backpack with a strap that the parent holds on to) I've seen people using out in public? I have three kids under the age of 7, and I've considered using one on my toddler when we are out in crowded places like amusement parks or airports. I have mixed feelings about them: from a safety standpoint, it would be really useful to have my littlest kid tethered to me while I'm chasing the other two (especially when I am out with the kids by myself), but on the other hand, I feel weird about literally putting a leash on my kid.

My answer is that I do not know of a good reason to use these leashes, and I will give you a better alternative.

To parents who do use these devices: I am not judging your decision to do so. We are in The Dark Ages of Behavior Management. I get it: you are trying to keep your kid safe, but you aren’t sure how.

Here’s how to keep your kid safe in a way that will look, feel, and be better for all concerned.

Since your kid is not yet ready to walk around safely in public, you need to train him at home in a safe situation now so that he can be in a more dangerous place later.

First, you must create your Calm Signal. This will be a verbal signal to yourself, your kid, God, the world and everyone, that even though something frustrating just happened, you are going to make this sound instead of reacting immediately (and sometimes before thinking), which can get you into trouble. Once you make the sound and calm down, then, and only then, should you speak words or take action.

It might be “Blerg.” It might be “Yikes!” and it needs to be said on the exhale (forcing you to inhale first) and it should be said with calm and kind empathy. This can be used as a fantastic stand-alone life skill by the way, and it is the ONLY sound you are allowed to use while using this procedure.

Here’s how I would train your toddler to not run away with a procedure called The Calm Echo.

Kid Whisperer (while in living room, while positioning himself within arms-length of Kid): For now, you and I will stay in the living room.

Kid immediately attempts to sprint out of the living room.

Kid Whisperer (calmly): Yeesh. (Simultaneously, Kid Whisperer catches up with kid, needing only a few steps, and gently picks him up under his arms)

Kid Whisperer: Yeesh. (Kid Whisperer carries Kid back to the living room, places him on the floor, and positions himself to do this again.

Repeat as necessary.

The more Kid Whisperer does this, the quicker Kid will learn.

To see whether Kid is moving in the right direction for being properly trained for public, Kid Whisperer uses the following test:

Kid walks away from Kid Whisperer.

Kid Whisperer: Yeesh.

Kid (turns around and moves towards Kid Whisperer): What?

I call this “Toddler Retrieval Technology.”

Once you finally are ready for walking in public, you can start on “Easy Mode”: hold Kid’s hand firmly while walking through the mall. If he tries to jerk away, keep the firm grip and calmly say your Calm Signal. After the jerking away has stopped for a long while, you can ask if he is ready to walk like a big boy without holding hands. If he says “yes,” try it out. If he strays even a few inches away from what you are comfortable with, just say your Calm Signal. If he gets closer to you, it’s working. If not, take him by the hand as you say your Calm Signal.

Let him know that you will let him try big boy walking again sometime in the future once he masters holding hands. Once remastered, repeat the above.

No props, no leash. Just walking around in the world in a way that works for everyone.