How to Deal with Pre-Teen Sass-Mouth

Dear Kid Whisperer,

I'm dealing with a lot of sass and talking-back with my 13-year-old daughter. Her dad and I are divorced. She is a really sweet and intelligent kid, but her dad lets her behave this way at his house, so she thinks she can do it with me, as well. How do I get her back to being the sweet kid I know she is?

While I will show you exactly what to do to get your kid to start being that sweet kid again, she will only be that sweet kid with you, after getting worse at first. Over time, the hope will be for her to generalize this sweet behavior to the world writ-large, but it may not happen: she may get tricked by your ex-husband into thinking that the best way to get what you want in life is to be a sassy jerk, and I’m sorry about that.

Just as important as what you should do in this situation (see below) is what not to do. Do not tell your ex-husband to do what I suggest doing to reteach your daughter to be a kind person. Do not tell him to read this column, listen to my podcast, or read my blog. Very, very few people take unsolicited advice of any kind. Even fewer take unsolicited advice about how to raise their kids, and no person in the history of the world has ever taken unsolicited advice about how to raise their kids from their ex-wife.

While I will give you what I have found to be the single most effective strategy for dealing with Pre-teen Sass Mouth, you’ll need some more strategies than just what I’m showing you here. Since you have solicited advice from me, I can tell you to read my column for parents (https://www.behavioralleadership.com/blog/category/Parent+Blog).

Just as telling your ex-husband how to live his life will not be helpful, telling your kid how to speak to you doesn’t help, because you can’t control how she talks to you and people don’t like to be told what to do. Here’s how I would make the sassy talk stop without telling her what to do.

Kid: …and this is why I hate coming here and why Dad’s place is better than this stupid place. He and Monica treat me like the full-grown adult that I am and they let me drive the car and bartend professionally and go on cruises by myself and get my real estate license and become the Queen of Argentina. Also, you are stupid, just like this place.

Kid Whisperer: (while smiling) I talk to kids who are being pleasant.

Kid: Whatever, dummy. This reminds me of what Jean-Claude, my 16-year-old boyfriend says about you…

Kid Whisperer (still smiling): Who do I talk to?

Kid Whisperer walks to his bedroom where he has already cued up his favorite streaming series, because he knew that this was exactly how things were going to happen.

By doing this, Kid Whisperer is taking great care of himself by setting and enforcing a limit about who he is willing to engage with while modeling this functional human behavior for Kid. Once Game of Thrones is over, and Kid Whisperer re-emerges from the bedroom, he will only respond to sass with the same question, calmly delivered:

“Who do I talk to?”