How to Make Rules Instead of Giving Suggestions

Dear Kid Whisperer,

I feel like I’m losing my mind, and this question feels like a stupid and embarrassing one that I should have an answer to. I have a two-and-a-half-year-old who is starting to sort of do whatever he wants. I’m exhausted from telling him to not have a stick that he brought from outside, to not hit his brother with the ruler, to not use the scissors to cut the tassels on the pillow, etc. What do I do with a kid who refuses to follow the rules?

This is not a stupid or embarrassing question, it’s just a simple one, and the great thing about simple questions is that they have simple answers.

First, here’s a simple assessment: you don’t appear to have any rules since you are not enforcing any rules.

Rules that are not enforced are not rules. They are merely suggestions. Kids don’t do well with suggestions, but they do great with rules.

The common mistake that parents make is that they think they need to repeat rules verbally. This is useless and, as you have found, exhausting. When you give a rule (“Don’t hit your brother with the ruler!”) but take no action when your kid “breaks the suggestion” you are teaching your kid that when authority figures set limits, it doesn’t mean anything.

This may be the most hurtful lesson that we can teach kids, since not following the world’s rules will lead to a life of misery and suffering.

Here’s how I would turn your suggestions into rules. Notice here that I’m not giving rules. You only need to do that once per lifetime.

Kid hits his brother with a ruler.

Kid Whisperer: Yeesh.

Kid Whisperer gently and firmly uses one hand to stabilize the wrist attached to the ruler-holding hand.

Kid Whisperer: Yeesh. (Kid Whisperer gently and firmly removes said ruler from Kid’s hand)

Kid Whisperer: Yeesh. (Kid Whisperer walks to a cabinet out of reach of Kid and stores the ruler for an indefinite period of time)

Kid throws himself into a knot of seething, screaming, snot-and-saliva-inducing rage on the floor.

Kid Whisperer: Yeesh. (Kid Whisperer walks away)

We need to use our words to set the limit once per lifetime. Then we take action to make it a rule.

Notice that we didn’t talk about the rule. If we talk about the rule when Kid breaks the rule, we are again changing the rule back into a suggestion, because we, again, are not enforcing the rule. Enforcement is an action, not a reminder.

Kids tend to learn from our actions, not our words. They remember what we do, and forget what we say.